The sun was almost out; the dawn was still taking its very breath and cuddling up with the hissing February wind that was bringing along slight heat as it came and went. Cars came and passed, with whirling light, pressing mercillessly on the crooked lifeless road that was pretending. The weather outside was not so certain and the man inside was not caring either. He was focusing his now-disturbed mind on something else, something special. And, something troubled. And something that had not left his mind. Something that was only healed. It had been almost 20 years and the only thing he knew too well was the fact that no matter how much he had tried to act normally, he was still living his days and that he had no issues with that "normal" living was now not hiding anymore.
"It's coming back again, really?" They were fighting once again after the long-sitting settle-down that was then for-good broached and coaxed by the then desperate man.
Yet the mind was no too much troubled at the moment despite regrets were deploying its shadow. It actually had been years and the deployment didn't seem just be so threatening. He had been living, trying not to think about that for years.
Everything had been in good shaping pace for years and Serey, the man, now with the beard, had ascertained his mind and tamed his soulless inside friend for years that happiness was just a state of mind and it was his choice to conjure up that state of mind. At least there had not been argument on this "little thing in life" for such a long time and he knew too well what he were doing. Things had been good.
Peace, calmness, serenity, smile, knowledge, reading were clouding along daily after his final decision that day. Not, yet, for today of every year that passed by. So here it came once again for today, the day of love.
Serey, 43, was as normal at his table, doing his regulars, just like he had been dealing with life. He was almost ending the conclusion of another article that had been thirstily required by his fat big boss who didn't share Serey's ideals on life. Serey did not care about that, yet. The earning from that writing job was surely not his flaming need; he was just doing that just because he wanted to do it. Probably, a little more bucks he could make from murdering the elapsing hours, days, months and year of his life.
Actually, he skipped the final line just because he was interrupted when that thought and memory just reasonlessly flipped in his thinking. Again, he had to face it today once again, just like he did every year after that event.
The gift! It was still there, wrapped in flashy slight-green plastic present-wrapping paper that was calmly sealed in a paper rectangular box that had not felt the sunlight for 363 days. Serey, now little sensational and nostalgic, could not resist his hand and brain; temptation was just too strong and he had no choice but to succumb.
Here it was again on the table in front of him, the gift, the 20-year-old kept gift. No one knew what was in that paper except him. He noticed the fading greenness of the paper and he did not bother to crash open it for he seems to have left that behind.
Not at all! That did happened and no matter how much he was trying to pretend and let it go, it would not just go.
And, though Serey had lived one of his dreams, becoming the what he had always thought of and doing what he had really passionately wanted to do, he was just a normal person. As he stared, with motions, at the lifeless gift that was now of less value, he saw many too things coming running and those were just felt like yesterday. One of the thought he had now had the "what if" in it.
What if he sent that out that day, that year?
"I might have been happier if I....."
"Aren't you happy now, heh? Who master the "Happiness is just a state of mind."?"
Before he let his thoughts took another adventure, the sound of an approaching car was coming close and no for so long a second his ears caught the honking horn.
That was his younger brother coming to pick him up. It was Valentine's Day and he had to spend the whole day with his family who lived in the city. Serey then was reminded of how he could reason convincingly to his parents on why he had chosen to live his life alone after all the things he had done in the first 20 years of his life.
As he hopped onto the dark-green '03 Camry, conversation started and the car drove off.
"She wrote that again on her.....A nice picture there."
"Hmm, I've seen that this morning too. Everything was gone like for 20 years. It was gone. There was misunderstanding back then but it's better this way, you know."
The two brothers knew not to carry on this but the elder knew more "too well".
And, despite all of his five published books and many articles, his education, and not-a-worry living condition, Serey was somehow carrying in himself the guilt that had made his parents disappointed.
And for long ago he had already known that though his beloved mother accepted his decision, that was not what she had all wanted from him. And not many people had really wanted that decision of his.
The truth, yet, was Serey was the only one knowing all the details and though he could not forget that and had been trying to hide her moral and harsh mindfulness of jilting him, he could not lie to himself and fake the truth that he was still not understanding why.
"That's life....and you gotta face it and deal with it." was the line he used at every end of his self-published books.
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